August 15 2011

ahhahah i just read all my old posts. i was so caught up in old memories & was so damn heartbroken i couldnt even think straight.

WELL HERE I AM.

not as unhappy as before, but not as happy as i was before he happened.

.. BUT dont get me wrong, I AM CONTENT.

I AM HAPPY.

& all that 'time heals everything' shit. reaaally isnt shit. yes, time was all it took. time for me to realize that all things happen for a reason, time for me to step back and be thankful for all he taught me, time for me to realize that there are better things for me out there.

be it education or love.

:)

memories

they never fade, everytime i think its okay it just gets worse. i miss you. and i'm confused. i really do miss you. all the crap you used to do. all the nights when i fell asleep with my phone in my hand only to wake up to an 'iloveyou baby goodnight' i miss you.

''paranoia, jealousy and love.

what you’re about to read, is the truth and nothing but the truth.

paranoia, jealousy and love. they’re all linked together one way or another. without each other, they wouldnt exist.

i get paranoid, yes i sure do. i get paranoid when the exams are near, i get paranoid when its to dark and i cant sleep, i get paranoid when he doesnt say hello, i get paranoid when i dont feel loved. paranoia is a bitch.

jealousy, its a sin, now is it not? i get green eyed when my parents pamper my brother, i get jealous when other humans have things that i dont. but i dont get jealous when he talks to other girls. i mean, there is no point in freaking out over something small. in this case being, talking to other girls or like being, their gay best friend. i have several gay best friends and I LOVE THEM TO BITS. but heres the catch, he got jealous. jealous of me talking or being to close(?) to them. and he didnt tell me, he thought it was easier for him to take this ‘problem’ to another person. now wasn’t that a wonderful thing. but in the end, i confronted him and told him to let go of it and that they’re my best friends, nothing more nothing less. i guess what i’m trying to say here is, boys get jealous more than girls do. in my case, that is.

love, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVING SOMEONE AND LIKING THAT PERSON. love is being with someone that you care about entirely. and would do anything for. Love isnt blind deaf or dumb, in fact it sees far more than it’ll ever tell, its going beyond yourself & stretching who you are for someone else. Being in love entails seeing someone as you wish they were: to love someone is to have seen their true colours and still love them for who they are, still stick with them through thick and thin, still suck up all the crap they put you through. Love isnt bitter, but it sure is not without pain: sacrifice, comes with love. its a darn package. and having a crush on someone isnt love. love takes time, alot of time. it takes a hella lot commitment too. so dont use the word love until you really do know what it means.

thats it, for now.

xoxo.
alex :)

p/s. i think i love you. shhh :)''

so thats what i wrote last year. when things were better. when love actually meant a whole lot. but know idk what love is anymore. all i know is i miss you. but the feeling isnt mutual. and i really dont know what to do anymore.

read it.

just thoughts.

so imma be writing things here nowadays. why? yeah i know tumblr is 'where its at' but the things on the dashboards, super depressing i tell you. i was gonna start writing in my blogger last month, but i procrastinate alot. lets talk about the blog title. of aliens, dinosaurs and feta cheese. aliens cause they're awesome. i know its like their nerdy and all, but i dont care cause they're green, gruesome and well just plain cool. dinosaurs. I LOVE DINOSAURS. i just hate it when i'm watching america's next top model or something on tv and my brother switches it to some dinosaur channel and my mum agrees with him. and i'm just like whuuuuuut. feta cheese. orgasmic i say. its melts in your mouth its like love at first taste. beyond words. i can evennn.

introduction?

alexandra anastasia tham, remember that name, you'll probably need it when you're behind the bleachers talking about 'the girl who took so long to get over her ex'. i'm fourteen. and i talk a whole lot. i laugh at basically everything. and i believe that cheese is God sent. hahhaha. it really is! oh and, i'm always hungry. talk to me. i dont bite :)

i hate the holidays.

sometimes i feel like dying, death would be god sent right now, i hate talking about stuff like this. but i just have to get it out, put it out here, not for the whole world to see, but for me to feel better. though i hope this keyboard will still be able to work after all the tears that i've dropped inside it. sometimes i feel, like the only person i can turn to is myself. dont get me wrong, tasha's a great 'counsellor' and so is cadrix, but nothing they can do will ever be able to fix all the shit i feel inside me.

you see, i didnt know that emotions exist. love was just a word to me two months ago. but now its different, its not just a word, but its a feeling. and inside that feeling, theres trust, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and the list goes on. and love hurts. no not physically. but mentally. it eats you from the inside and drives you to do stupid things. not like i've attempted any of it, but it drives you crazy. it makes you feel unwanted, and especially if you have a messed up boyfriend. he has damn mood swings, he talks to you when he wants to, and he becomes the best thing ever, and then after that, he ignores you. and you gotta wait for him to reply the text that you sent hours ago. i hate waiting for food, what more texts. i hate saying hi to you first, cause i wanna wait and see if you can go a day without talking to me. i never know what he feels, i dont think he loves me very much anymore. the thought of him not caring makes me not care too. honestly, this relationship is so screwed up. its hanging by a thread.

and i usually feel like i suck. fuck emotions.

exams are killing me. less than a month. less than a month to study my butt off, less than a month to sit for the exam that determines where i'm going to go to next year, less than a month to see if he and i can go though me being a bitch. exams really do take a toll on me. i take them VERY seriously. every time i hit the below ninety mark, i get so screwed up, i cant go to sleep, i cant eat, no freaking appetite, and my mood it'll be like crap.'

EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER AFTER THE EXAMS.

....i hope.