finally

after a year and God knows how many days, i can finally reply to this message that was sent to me October last year

Dear Anon,

You would probably never read this but it is very important to me that i say thank you. Yes, you sent me that message eons ago, yes, i was tempted to reply to it to say that you were a whole load of crap, yes, i didn't believe you.

But now, after months and months of i miss yous, what ifs, if onlys, do i realize that time really does heal wounds. I dont mean to be sensitive and 'mushy' but i was hurt, i was so crazy honestly. Pretty much beyond repair, and i didnt think that things would ever get better. 'That this was rain and sunshine would never come.' But it did, and it has and i am proud to say that I am over it.

and that you were right!

you deserve a pat on the back.

so if it was you, go ahead give yourself a pat on the back :)

leo's night

tasha, belle, me, wendy

so i just got back from leo's night. we performed some hip hop thing. the front part wasnt all that bad really, but toward the end we all had brain spasms & it got really messed up. but overall it was pretty AWESOMMEEEE, taking into consideration the fact that be barely had time to finish the dance. We did out best! GO RED STEPPERS!!

All the other performers were awesome too! It was an enjoyable night & i had fun tbh.

i'm tired now night guise! :) x

lexi the fattie

so lately i've been struggling a little with being a fattie.

1. I EAT 24HOURS a day.

2. I exercise for at least 1HOUR each day.

but you see, after burning like a zillion (okay fine maybe not a zillion) calories jumping around, lifting weights & sweating like a (for lack of a better word) pig, I EAT.

& EAT

& EAT.

oh and... EAT

this is why i am still FAT. or as i like to say, AM STILL A FATTIE.

which now brings you to the depressing part of this post, I HATE BEING A FATTIE. i am so fat. 'no lex, you are not fat' 'serious alex, not fat' LIES! LIES! LIES!

my self esteem has hit an extreme low.

thank you skinny people.. really...

youth

i'm 15. pretty young really, but sometimes i do things that i shouldn't do. that people my age shouldnt be doing. i honestly should try and act my age.

August 15 2011

ahhahah i just read all my old posts. i was so caught up in old memories & was so damn heartbroken i couldnt even think straight.

WELL HERE I AM.

not as unhappy as before, but not as happy as i was before he happened.

.. BUT dont get me wrong, I AM CONTENT.

I AM HAPPY.

& all that 'time heals everything' shit. reaaally isnt shit. yes, time was all it took. time for me to realize that all things happen for a reason, time for me to step back and be thankful for all he taught me, time for me to realize that there are better things for me out there.

be it education or love.

:)

memories

they never fade, everytime i think its okay it just gets worse. i miss you. and i'm confused. i really do miss you. all the crap you used to do. all the nights when i fell asleep with my phone in my hand only to wake up to an 'iloveyou baby goodnight' i miss you.

''paranoia, jealousy and love.

what you’re about to read, is the truth and nothing but the truth.

paranoia, jealousy and love. they’re all linked together one way or another. without each other, they wouldnt exist.

i get paranoid, yes i sure do. i get paranoid when the exams are near, i get paranoid when its to dark and i cant sleep, i get paranoid when he doesnt say hello, i get paranoid when i dont feel loved. paranoia is a bitch.

jealousy, its a sin, now is it not? i get green eyed when my parents pamper my brother, i get jealous when other humans have things that i dont. but i dont get jealous when he talks to other girls. i mean, there is no point in freaking out over something small. in this case being, talking to other girls or like being, their gay best friend. i have several gay best friends and I LOVE THEM TO BITS. but heres the catch, he got jealous. jealous of me talking or being to close(?) to them. and he didnt tell me, he thought it was easier for him to take this ‘problem’ to another person. now wasn’t that a wonderful thing. but in the end, i confronted him and told him to let go of it and that they’re my best friends, nothing more nothing less. i guess what i’m trying to say here is, boys get jealous more than girls do. in my case, that is.

love, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVING SOMEONE AND LIKING THAT PERSON. love is being with someone that you care about entirely. and would do anything for. Love isnt blind deaf or dumb, in fact it sees far more than it’ll ever tell, its going beyond yourself & stretching who you are for someone else. Being in love entails seeing someone as you wish they were: to love someone is to have seen their true colours and still love them for who they are, still stick with them through thick and thin, still suck up all the crap they put you through. Love isnt bitter, but it sure is not without pain: sacrifice, comes with love. its a darn package. and having a crush on someone isnt love. love takes time, alot of time. it takes a hella lot commitment too. so dont use the word love until you really do know what it means.

thats it, for now.

xoxo.
alex :)

p/s. i think i love you. shhh :)''

so thats what i wrote last year. when things were better. when love actually meant a whole lot. but know idk what love is anymore. all i know is i miss you. but the feeling isnt mutual. and i really dont know what to do anymore.