i hate the holidays.

sometimes i feel like dying, death would be god sent right now, i hate talking about stuff like this. but i just have to get it out, put it out here, not for the whole world to see, but for me to feel better. though i hope this keyboard will still be able to work after all the tears that i've dropped inside it. sometimes i feel, like the only person i can turn to is myself. dont get me wrong, tasha's a great 'counsellor' and so is cadrix, but nothing they can do will ever be able to fix all the shit i feel inside me.

you see, i didnt know that emotions exist. love was just a word to me two months ago. but now its different, its not just a word, but its a feeling. and inside that feeling, theres trust, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and the list goes on. and love hurts. no not physically. but mentally. it eats you from the inside and drives you to do stupid things. not like i've attempted any of it, but it drives you crazy. it makes you feel unwanted, and especially if you have a messed up boyfriend. he has damn mood swings, he talks to you when he wants to, and he becomes the best thing ever, and then after that, he ignores you. and you gotta wait for him to reply the text that you sent hours ago. i hate waiting for food, what more texts. i hate saying hi to you first, cause i wanna wait and see if you can go a day without talking to me. i never know what he feels, i dont think he loves me very much anymore. the thought of him not caring makes me not care too. honestly, this relationship is so screwed up. its hanging by a thread.

and i usually feel like i suck. fuck emotions.

exams are killing me. less than a month. less than a month to study my butt off, less than a month to sit for the exam that determines where i'm going to go to next year, less than a month to see if he and i can go though me being a bitch. exams really do take a toll on me. i take them VERY seriously. every time i hit the below ninety mark, i get so screwed up, i cant go to sleep, i cant eat, no freaking appetite, and my mood it'll be like crap.'

EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER AFTER THE EXAMS.

....i hope.

boys and their periods.

i dont know what to do anymore, i'm so confused.

i dont know what you want from me. you text me and i text you back and then you dont reply. i hate waiting for your texts, i hate the way you ignore me at school and then go all i miss you i miss you. you're very unstable, i cant stand it anymore. i just cant. fuck you man, fuck.

AS OF TODAY, I WILL ONLY WRITE HERE WHEN I AM PISSED :)

SO. i will only be writing stuff in here when i get really mad and aint got no one to talk to. this blog is kinda private-ish. so dont tell anyone kay? only certain people know about this blog. so shhhh.