memories

they never fade, everytime i think its okay it just gets worse. i miss you. and i'm confused. i really do miss you. all the crap you used to do. all the nights when i fell asleep with my phone in my hand only to wake up to an 'iloveyou baby goodnight' i miss you.

''paranoia, jealousy and love.

what you’re about to read, is the truth and nothing but the truth.

paranoia, jealousy and love. they’re all linked together one way or another. without each other, they wouldnt exist.

i get paranoid, yes i sure do. i get paranoid when the exams are near, i get paranoid when its to dark and i cant sleep, i get paranoid when he doesnt say hello, i get paranoid when i dont feel loved. paranoia is a bitch.

jealousy, its a sin, now is it not? i get green eyed when my parents pamper my brother, i get jealous when other humans have things that i dont. but i dont get jealous when he talks to other girls. i mean, there is no point in freaking out over something small. in this case being, talking to other girls or like being, their gay best friend. i have several gay best friends and I LOVE THEM TO BITS. but heres the catch, he got jealous. jealous of me talking or being to close(?) to them. and he didnt tell me, he thought it was easier for him to take this ‘problem’ to another person. now wasn’t that a wonderful thing. but in the end, i confronted him and told him to let go of it and that they’re my best friends, nothing more nothing less. i guess what i’m trying to say here is, boys get jealous more than girls do. in my case, that is.

love, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVING SOMEONE AND LIKING THAT PERSON. love is being with someone that you care about entirely. and would do anything for. Love isnt blind deaf or dumb, in fact it sees far more than it’ll ever tell, its going beyond yourself & stretching who you are for someone else. Being in love entails seeing someone as you wish they were: to love someone is to have seen their true colours and still love them for who they are, still stick with them through thick and thin, still suck up all the crap they put you through. Love isnt bitter, but it sure is not without pain: sacrifice, comes with love. its a darn package. and having a crush on someone isnt love. love takes time, alot of time. it takes a hella lot commitment too. so dont use the word love until you really do know what it means.

thats it, for now.

xoxo.
alex :)

p/s. i think i love you. shhh :)''

so thats what i wrote last year. when things were better. when love actually meant a whole lot. but know idk what love is anymore. all i know is i miss you. but the feeling isnt mutual. and i really dont know what to do anymore.