Ayy

Quite honestly I find writing (or typing really) rather therapeutic
I should do this more often (yet another new year's resolution I will fail to check of my list u wait & see la)

U know when people say they are buried under so many emotions they feel like they're suffocating & u just wanna be like aduh stop complaining k bro just eat
I feel like i'm buried under so many emotions I can't breathe

I don't think I'm ready to be burdened with the Sem 2 workload although oddly enough I'm looking forward (I might even feel a tinge of excitement) to be back to the grind in about 3 days. I feel like the immense load of medically related diagrams/ info I will have to cram into the jelly in my skull in 4 months along with the many co-curicular activities I always find myself appearing at will require so much of my time that I will have none left, to think about my stupid feelings

Also, 8am lectures will be the death of me
Just so we're clear
I do not enjoy 8am lectures

Sometimes I think you care
But other times right I really just wanna slap u & throw u off a cliff
& other times I just wanna keep u in my pocket
cis then you'll be close  & i'll be protected
(& I will know when u try & cheat)

But I don't really have the rights to feel any of this do I
Because we're not really together anymore
Or were we ever
Or are we still

aduh.

HI

Honestly who reads this crap anyway, even I can't bear to read the words I managed to string into cringe worthy sentences all those years (or months la aiyo who am I kidding) ago

I'm probably just going to use this blog as an outlet to vent
Although I am too lazy to privatise it because well
1. Idk how
2. I'm too lazy to find out how
3. & again (nobody reads this anyway no honestly i just checked my stats ZILTCH bro)

I foresee very emotional posts on how much I think my life sucks or sad/angry adjectives sprawled over the (soon to be) many pages of this blog

In fact I think i'm gonna begin my first post now lol

Movies vs. reality

This post is probably gonna be a whole load of crap lol idk sorry just bear with me

U know how when we're single, girls almost always (maybe guys) have a certain picture/idea/concept of what they want their future relationship(s)to be like.

eg. Some girls might be fixated on the idea of a fairy tale wedding, poofy dress with a long ass 10ft 9' trail. Some may dream of unleashing their inner gold digger on some rich ass billionaire. Or wish for a guy who would not only like her for the boob size she was granted; maybe even hope for a relationship just like the ones she sees on tumblr GIFs. (Dont lie, u know what I mean) Maybe even lust after the way kanye puts his hands on Kim's waist and kisses her neck in front of everybody, the cliche as hell stories or what hav u of how a guy grabs a girl from behind. Some girls may want a playful relationship, some all about rainbows & butterflies, some all about being real & be able to fart in front of each other.

But the truth of the matter is that, what u see/want/envision is unfortunately not what u get. I mean i'm not gonna lie, I'm happy; we all are. (at least i hope so, cus if ur unhappy in ur relationship run girl!) Sometimes when we see something we want (simply because we dont hav it) we mind fuck ourselves into being jealous WHEN REALLY we know that we cant always have everything we want. I'm being really stereotypical here forgive me i didnt mean to be offensive, but if the guy ur with is a biker/hardmetalrock/ghetto ass man u cant expect him to come with u to watch some ballet eg The nutcracker. Or sit in a chinese opera show or expect him to go shopping in a One direction (haha sorry it was the girliest shop i could think of) store with u & still be happy, now would u?

I mean if he is happy then well done he's a keeper but u know. highly unlikely.

I guess all girls get jealous sometimes & we want things we dont have. e.g. more chanel bags, a birkin, to be kissed in public without having to ask, mcdonalds for bfast lunch & dinner, for the world to be like 'i wanna hav a relationship like that' (which btw, vanessa hudgens & that guy shes with hav achieved), to eat without getting fat & to be a doctor (heh)

So u see, in my humble (trololo) opinion I think it is perfectly acceptable for a girl (guy) to want things that she knows she will never get because maybe those things will bring more bad than good. & maybe if she changes a guy too much, he wont be himself anymore & she is so so scared that he wont be the guy she feel in love with

I feel like ive been rambling, idk if any of these words hav substance btu its 3am & ive been meaning to wrote about this for a while, i just didnt know how

What am I doing

This might (or not) be a lengthy post as it's 4am & I am severely jet lagged & I cant sleep & I just kdshjfmgbksdjhfbjhdf

I always find myself running back here to write about all the unfortunate events I happen to stumble upon. I dont usually plan ahead and tell myself 'Alex u hav to write in ur blog today', I do it on impulse, which explains why my posts are either irrelevant or mawkish. & my grammar/spelling appalling ... but who gives, right?

ANYWAY
(Disclaimer I am going to start ranting here so press the red button on the top left of this window if you want to, i wont mind)

BUT YAH ANYWAY
I honestly just dont know what to do anymore. I;m not hurting (thank God), i'm not sad (Thank god, yet again) but I just cant help wondering what if. What if I never said anything, what if we actually tried just a little harder, what if i was a little nicer. 
No but I hate you so much I do,I swear if i could go right up to u and slap you i bloody would but in the end I always find myself talking to u even though I try so hard not to
Its like I hate u,but theres this thing that keeps me from hating u altogether
Like I get so annoyed but then i still reply
BUT I RELI WANT TO SLAP U, but I jdfukjhdsfh idk man idk

What is this Lex what r u doing
Someone please help me get my shit together

FORTUNE

hi again, i'm in Switzerland it's snowing outside and i'm cold as hell hah

so anyways, i had my fortune told.

YES I KNOW

'dafuq alex, where did u find a fortune teller?'

.. well that part of the story is far too long so let's just cut right to the chase

1. MY HEART IS GOING TO BE BROKEN. According to her it hasnt been broken yet. She could tell me exactly what happened between my ex and I and it was creepy u have no idea. 'he didnt break yoru heart alex he broke ur ego, cus u just want attention 24 hours a day and he couldnt give u that' & i was all like 'OMG CAN U PLEASE TELL ME WHO?' but she refused to tell me cus she says it'll be abusing her power

2. I HAVE VERY BAD KARMA. i mean i wasnt as surprised as i shouldve been (lol probably because i already know how much of a bitch i am) anyway she says i have this negative aura around me I mean i do try to be as nice as i can it's just that sometimes asdfghjklsdfghj

3. YOU WILL NOT GET MARRIED. Dude u have no idea i almost died but thank u Jesus she was like 'BUT KARMA CHANGES EVERY 3 YEARS'

Well I guess what I'm getting at is that I NEED TO CHANGE; lol yes i've said this so many times before but i have to change, i really do now because if I dont my future will be BLEAK & I really do want to have a happy onee

ah fingers crossed

oh God help me pleasee

haha lexi xx

p/s HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! :))))

PICTURE SPAM

what i have been doing with my life for the past few weeks.... not in chronological order, too lazy to arrange it all hah TYPICAL

lexi x

quick update

..ok fine not so quick.

before you comment on my lack of blog updates, hehe, I HAVE BEEN BUSY, PUH LEASE. *puts on a serious face*

No but honestly i have been really busy. I went to madrid it was amazing. The spanish are such nice people and the boys asdfghjklasdfghjklsdfghjkl Also, i've been studying my big butt off, i really have. Exams begin on saturday & we havent had much time to actually sit and study because of the mayor's concert and the auditions and all the activities & my parents came last friday.

AND. we have ESB on friday, thats 2 days away. & i am no where near ready, k fine that was i lie. i'm sorta ready but still I'm so nervous i cant even.

*to the people who actually take the time to read this nonsense of a blog haha & dont know what ESB is, its a program. An exam, really. When students have to give speeches, recite shakespeare, and all that jazz. Anywhoos, it's a big deal and its hard because we have to memorize everything & the examiners will ask us questions based on whatever we say*

picture time!

^the above is what i look like as of now, ugly i know but idgaf cus i'm studying. ...or was

muah!

lexix